Friday, January 16, 2009

The Toolbox Murders...remake.

My father finally guilted me into watching "The Toolbox Murders" (the remake that Tobe Hooper made..not the original). I got it for him as a Christmas gift because he saw the last 10 minutes of it on MonstersHD and was obsessed with it from that point onward.
Toolbox Murders DVD/cover art/poster Pictures, Images and Photos
So, I watched it. And, while it wasn't the worst piece of trash I've ever seen in my life, it still wasn't really worth raving over, either.

Basically, this couple, a painfully thin heroine, Nell:

(seriously, it was painful for me to watch, I was waiting for her tiny arms to snap in every scene...or her little collar bones to pop out..that was possibly the most gory part of the movie...her bones) teacher, and her doctor/intern hubby (Steven), move into an apartment building called "The Lusman Arms". It's a historical building where actors and actresses lived to make it big in Hollywood. But like they say in the beginning...sometimes...people just...disappear!
Before I continue with this riveting plot, let me just say that the first scene features Sheri Moon (Zombie) who is married to Rob Zombie and starred in House of 1000 Corpses, Halloween remake, and The Devil's Rejects. My father didn't know that and was obsessed with her. I also became obsessed with the status of Rob Zombie's and Sheri Moon Zombie's marriage...Fun fact! They dated for 13 years (unlucky number spoOoOOoOoky) and were married on Halloween in 2002.

Anyways, we find that Nell doesn't really like the Lusman arms, and is suffering with its weirdness while her husband Steven is doing his residency. She's also not the building manager's favorite, as she questions all of the L.A.'s quirks and frequently calls the police for strange sounds in neighboring apartments.

Some of Nell and Steven's neighbors are also pretty over-the-top. Her first neighbor that she meets, Saffron, is a total nutcase and I think is supposed to be an angst rocker? Her boyfriend is also a creep. Then we meet Julia, who Ned, the handyman has a crush on. Julia we find out has lost 57 lbs and used to be a "whale" according to the creepy socialite family who live down the hall and have a peeping-tom for a son (he spies on Julia via rigged webcam). Then there's the friendly elderly man, Chazz, who we find out has lived at the Lusman Arms for the past 60 years and can't seem to leave the place. We later find out that Chazz knows more about the building than anyone else, including the evil that lives there.

To make a long story short, she finds out that the building is cursed by black magic in the most ridiculous way available. She goes to a place that has blueprints of the Lusman Arms and of course, the guy helping her is a Lusman expert who knows ALL about the Lusman Arms, and the two discover that the weird symbols on the walls are really curses! wow! Are these people geniuses or what?! And there's a mutated killer on the loose in the secret compartments of the building killing just because he feels like it...and of course...he kills with tools from a toolbox! hence: Toolbox Murders! Nell ends up getting into this hidden compartment area and runs into the killer head-on, and her husband Steven saves the day. Did I ruin it for you? I'm sorry.

Overall, the death scenes are pretty gory, which is needed because the storyline itself kind of drags along. Someone created a collage of screenshots that I'm happily borrowing from and this basically portrays the first hour of the movie:
The Toolbox Murders screenshot Pictures, Images and Photos
The characters aren't really endearing at all, and while they are kind of developed, the only one I really was rooting for was Ned. He was just misunderstood. Ned 4 Ever!
jon Pictures, Images and Photos

I guess also Luis the doorman was probably another favorite, because he just wanted to help out.

I guess I'd give this movie a 5 out of 10. It was "eh". I mean, I love Tobe Hooper, but I think that he's done better work. I would, however, see the original for comparison.
The Toolbox Murders Pictures, Images and Photos


Anonymous said...

Are you the same person that was in today's paper??

Wow, I always read your blog but I never realized you were famous.

Monster Bash Blog said...

Nice try Jim, but the only thing that's famous around here is your lies