Tuesday, January 6, 2009

SpoOoOoOooky Resolutions

Of course, with the fright of the Boo Year upon us, we all put down our plate of cookies and pies and go back to work.

For Monster Bash Blog, this was traumatic, as my work clothes seem to have shrunk.

You know the feeling...suddenly, my clothes are smaller...or...I'm bigger.

My "comfortable" pants are now "snug"...and my "baggier" pants have become my "comfortable" pants. My fat pants...have become...tight. What went wrong?!

Maybe I'm morphing into a frightening Halloween monster?

No...close...but no.

Instead, I've joined everyone else who has decided to throw nutritional info to the wind and snack snack snacked my way through the holidays!

Now that I'm uncomfortably snug in my work pants...what to do?

First I looked into just drinking water and starving until April or May. Then realized that was too harsh.

Then I examined the possibility of doing the Gwyneth Paltrow 7-day detox diet. Then I realized that I'm not a millionaire actress who can buy ridiculous ingredients at my disposal. Also, I hate Yoga.

Then I caved.

I gave in.

I decided to join the rest of America and vow to lose weight via Boo/New Year's resolution.

Curse you, Jared!

And that's frightening. A nation of hungry, grouchy, starving resolutioners. All walking on treadmills in sync, dreaming of cheeseburgers, frowning, "pinching" inches in disgust.

And everyone knows it's happening. Last night, while watching my fave shows, every....I mean EVERY commercial consisted of Weight Watchers advertisements, diet drinks, Special K's 7 day challenge, Lucille Roberts' and Ballys' specials, Nutrisystem...It's all there....waiting for you...calling out to you..."hey fatty! Come on in and get to failing!"

Because that's the other half of the horror, the madness. The part where 2 weeks in, you have casualties. The gym gets just a little bit emptier....The Burger King drive-thru line gets just a little longer. The woes of defeat. "What resolution? Oh that, whatever."

Failure. Some people's biggest fear.

Followed immediately by increased sales in larger sized pants.

And what's that in the distance? Bathing suits on the racks in department stores?

I just broke a cold sweat. This, my friends and foes, is the true horror of winter.
Raise your diet cokes high and toast to a successfully skinny Boo Year!